Taken with instagram

Taken with instagram

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.

So, darling.

Let me be the guy to carry you to your bed when you fall asleep in my arms. I’ll make sure you’re warm with that blanket.

Let me be the guy to notice that there’s no more tissues and run a mile just to go get some and come back and wipe your tears away.

Let me be the guy to baby you when you’re sick and go out at 3 in the morning to get you medicine.

Let me be the guy to let you lay your head in the lap, while I run my fingers through your hair.

Let me be the guy to be just right there next to you laughing about silly things, dealing with the hard things and sharing life to the fullest.

Can I be this guy?

If I can, I’ll be even more.

I’m not that weak.

But seriously I can’t stand this anymore.

I just can not.

Someone saves me, please.

Please..

Seriously, life is a pain in the ass.

If no after-life, then just nothing when you die, the pain is over.

If a good after-life, well the pain is over and you’re happy. Pain is over.

If a bad after-life, well it can’t be much worse than what we go through everyday. Fire and gnashing of teeth? At least you would feel something then.

____

So why keep living?

In a sleepless night, cigarrettes are always great to calm me down.

Don’t call my name.

Don’t call my name.

Let me hide my tears away..

I had a great time chatting with my close friends at La Place tonight (those who studied with me at the same class at Secondary School). We talked a lot about career, love and life, about success and loss, about the giving and taking in life.

I always love it when we can be together chatting around and sharing with each other about everything. But today, as we were talking about success and loss in life, there was a question given out that really made me confused: “Have you succeeded in anything?”.

Have I succeeded in anything? I don’t know, maybe yes but maybe no. If it’s a yes then what is it? I actually cannot give an answer for this question, especially as now I’m sitting all alone in the darkness with tons of thoughts coming up and pressing upon my mind, thinking of the future, of what I did and what I am doing and what I will have to do. I’m just feeling really stuck with the situation I’m being in, everything is like a mess and even sometimes I feel like I’m going on the wrong way but I cannot find the way out. There are things that I did but I wish I hadn’t done, things that I am doing but I don’t know where it leads to, things I want to do but I know I can not do. I’m 25, not that old but also not really young but isn’t it good for a 25-years-old guy being in the fact that he has got nothing? I really meant it when I said the word “nothing”. 

I sometimes feel like my life is just an embarrassment, really.

I never thought I would use Vietnamese in this blog, even though I know that my English really sucks. But actually this time i couldn’t find any English word to use to be able to totally express how i am feeling right now. So I think I should better use my mother language Vietnamese because only this language may be suitable to describe deep down inside my heart how i am truly feeling:

Tại sao lại đau thế này? Tại sao vậy? Tại sao?

This shock is too much for me and i actually can’t stand it. I just can not. Why did all these things happen to me? Why? Is it true I do deserve all this pain?

For now i really don’t know what i have to do to get over this.

I feel very very bad.

I feel lost.

I feel stuck.

Someone please saves me, please..

I’m back to be behind the color of the night, how i am afraid of the light..

As I opened my eyes, my cellphone was ringing. It was my brother, he asked to know the date I’m back to Hanoi. After a few minutes talking to him, I put down the phone and went for a shower. My whole body was dead wearied after hanging out last night with drinking, smoking and dancing like madness. Taking a shower is the best way to help you feel better in the morning. Yeah and it did. Drank a full glass of water, turned on the computer, played some favourite songs. Lazily laid down again in the bed to continue reading the novel The Love Of My Life - a stunning novel that beautifully portrays the innocence of childhood and the dynamics of love and loss.

Well, a new day has come. And it’s Sunday!!